A note to Spammers

I do not want an authentic letter from Santa. He and I are not on speaking terms since the sweater fiasco of 1993.

I do not want to be a cop. I will never want to be a cop no matter what effect you claim it has on the ladies.

While I find your concern for my love life touching, I am married and have no interest in singles in my area - be they kinky, married, grandmas or schoolgirls. Nor do I have an interest in single women in Russia and Thailand. And, before you ask, I am not interested in men from those areas either.

If I had a desire to work in niche porn, I might be interested in increasing both my breast and penis size. At such time is this is necessary, I will contact you.

I never applied for a home loan with anyone, let alone your non-existent company form a town I haven't lived in for over 6 years.

I have no desire to purchase a fake Rolex over the internet. That's what Canal street is for.

If you want to give me cash/a PS3/an MP3 player please send it to my home address.

Finally, I have never e-mailed you. You do not have the right to RE: me. You are not welcome to call me by my first name, nor a misspelled version of my last name. In fact, you are not welcome in my inbox at all.